“I wanted to give up and I wanted everything just to come to an end. It’s all I could think of.”
These are the words of a single mother of one from Observatory, who was on the brink of taking her own life nearly two years ago.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month – a reminder of the impact this leading cause of death has on communities.
Amy (she does not want us to publish her surname) was 18 in 2022 when she fled her parents’ Salt River home after learning, within days of each other, that she had not only failed her matric exams but was also pregnant.
“I packed my bags and thought the only thing left to do was run away. I went to my boyfriend’s house and when he heard I’m pregnant, he asked me to leave immediately and never come back.”
She found herself stranded in Mitchell’s Plain Town Centre with one overnight bag and no idea what to do next. She knew her parents would be looking for her and feared that if they found her, she would have to tell them everything, so she caught a bus to Wellington, and later ended up in Paarl where she worked as a waitress, trying her best to hide her pregnancy.
“I needed money and I knew the only thing left for me was to work because I knew this baby would come any time soon and I needed money to see to the baby.”
She says she had considered throwing herself under a bus if she hadn’t landed the waitressing job.
Then she received news from home that her father had collapsed and was on life support in hospital.
“I crumbled, not because I was going to lose the job, but because I was really close with my father, and I knew this was tearing him apart because I actually came from a good home, and they raised me really well, hence why I was so disappointed in myself and what I had done. I just couldn’t disappoint them like that.”
But before she could return home, she received word that her father had died. She says she can’t remember anything of the subsequent bus trip home.
Meeting up with her family in the wake of her father’s death, she says, was overwhelming and she recalls seeking refuge in a bathroom.
“I sat on the toilet pot, crying silently. The way people stared at me as if they blamed me for what my father went through. I couldn’t handle it. I was at home for a few hours, but I felt so trapped. That is when the thought crept into my head.”
She says she filled a bath and then slit her wrists, hoping to bleed out.
“The whole bath turned instantly red, but my mind was made up, I wanted nothing to do with this world any longer and I did not even think of the life growing inside of me. I just wanted everything to come to an end.”
But her suicide attempt was thwarted by family members who kicked down the door and rushed her to hospital where doctors were able to save both Amy and her unborn child.
The moment she opened her eyes she realised she had nearly made the biggest mistake, she says.
“My entire family were around my bed and in the hallway and in reception. I saw people crying and consoling each other and it made me feel really selfish because I never thought of how everyone else would feel if they would have to bury me immediately after my father.”
According to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (Sadag), there are 23 known cases of suicide in South Africa every day, and for every person who commits suicide, 10 have attempted it.
Before Covid-19, the organisation fielded 600 calls a day. As of September 2021, that number had risen to 2 200 calls a day – an increase of nearly 40%.
The suicide rate in South Africa has increased drastically, with men leading the numbers.
According to the South African Society of Psychiatrists, South Africa is ranked 10th on the list of countries with the most suicides with 23.5 suicides per 100 000 people.
Of the 13 774 suicides reported in South Africa from July last year, 10 861 are among men.
According to Sadag operations director Cassey Chambers, teens often feel guilty and don’t want to burden their friends or family with their problems, making the need to do regular “check ins” even more important.
Ms Chambers says there is still much stigma and fear around suicide, and many parents and teachers fear talking about it can encourage teens to consider it.
“You can do these check-ins any time during the day – normalise having these chats during everyday activities: while driving to school, when you’re preparing meals, waiting in a queue, or going for a walk outside. It doesn’t have to be a scary conversation, and the more you incorporate them into your day-to-day, the more you make these conversations more natural and less like a serious family meeting.
“Teens will then learn that talking about their feelings is normal and okay, and that you are a safe space to talk about their emotions,” says Ms Chambers.
Two years on, Amy has started seeing a doctor, which helps, she says.
“I was all over the place and the problem I was having is that I was not addressing any of my problems, instead, I stored them and they came back to haunt me at the end of the day. I needed to tackle those problems, face the demon before the demon nearly made me take my and my child’s life.”
Useful contacts
• Cape Mental Health – 021 447 9040 or email info@cmh.org.za.
• Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0800 567 567.
• Department of Social Development Substance Abuse Helpline – 0800 12 13 14 or SMS 32312.
• Cipla Mental Health Helpline – 0800 456 789 or SMS 31393.
• NPOwer SA Helpline 0800 515 515 or SMS 43010.
• Healthcare Workers Care Network Helpline – 0800 21 21 21 or SMS 43001.
• UFS #Fair Kitchens Chefs Helpline – 0800 006 333.
• Adcock Ingram Depression and Anxiety Helpline – 0800 70 80 90.
• ADHD Helpline – 0800 55 44 33.
• Pharma Dynamics Police and Trauma Helpline – 0800 20 50 26.
• South African Depression and Anxiety Group – 011 234 4837.
